Friday, July 1, 2011

Disheartened.

I realized this morning that as long as I am with X, my life will always involve drugs.  When I got with him, I told him I did not want that in my life.  Since buzzes are his vice & he's captain asshole on alcohol 95% of the time, he asked if he could indulge in pills once & a while.  To me, once & a while is once every 3-4 months.  To him, it's a few times a month.  Pills.  Pills.  Pills.  Every day it comes up in conversation.  Comments about partying.  How drugs are awesome.  This.  That.  Today he was talking to his brother-in-law about the pills he gets & maybe getting back into some ways of his old life.  At that moment, I just got so sad.  Realized that I would never have a life w/o drugs as long as I'm with him. 

I've been feeling very frustrated with him the last week & many times I keep thinking I'm done with him.   I'm getting tired of his mannerisms.  He's aggravating me all the time lately.  I'm happy about 40% of the time in my relationship with X.  I'm tired of it.  I am, however, still trying to hold on to the hope that when we move away from here most of our stresses will vanish & maybe things will improve.  We shall see.