Friday, May 27, 2011


X & i both have a vice.

My mother's was alcohol.  several alcoholics in my family.

Mine is food.  I like to drink, but only socially.  Never smoked weed or cigarettes - don't want to.  Never taken any drugs that weren't Rx'd to me by a doc.

 I can tell you when i started to lean on mine.  my mom & dad divorced when i was 5.  he cheated on her several times.  she became an alcoholic.  mom was a mean drunk.  verbal abuse & just plan 'ol mean.  never physical though.  the only good times we had together until she quit drinking is when we'd go out to eat.  which we did at least once a day.  twice, sometimes three times on weekends.  mom quit drinking when i was 23 or 24 years old.  we patched things up, had serious heart felt talks & i forgave her for all the past.  well, by that time... most of my life... the only happy times were associated with..... food.  after mom died, the depression set in & i ballooned to 320lbs & i'm 5'2". YEAH.  i've lost some, but i'm still over 250lbs.  i'm trying to get mine under control, but it's hard.  especially when i'm trying to lose weight.  =/

His is a buzz.  be it alcohol or pain pills.  he doesn't like weed.   he is a sweetheart on pills 100% of the time. Captain Asshole 95% of the time on alcohol.

His vice is one of the main reasons i have doubts about our relationship surviving.   well, that.... & 2 other reasons:
1.)  he's really immature for his age.  he's 30.  he's getting better about it... but sometimes it feels like i'm with a 12 year old.  -_-  
2.)  for almost the last year i've been thinking i'd be better suited to settle down with a woman.  when i look into my head & see my future... i see myself coming home to a wife.  her coming home to me.  i've always seen that.  even when i was in high school.  it's a comforting thought.  why not go after a woman instead of dating a man?  as much as i bitch about X right now, he & i started out as friends.  he was there to comfort me through the depression after mom passed away.  we were friends for 3 years before i started to care about him in a romantic way.  also, i've got a relationship kind of built with X & we are having TONS of stress in our lives...  before i end something i need to make sure i'm ending it for the right reasons...  i want to give us time to live in a MUCH less stressed environment for a while before i make any major decisions like this.  after i move up north, i'm going to give it 9-12 months.  see how it goes.  the first few months of me being there don't really count in my book.  we'll be in a new place...  you know how that goes... for most people, when you move there are new opportunities... it's like a honeymoon phase.   after a few months, the realities of your situation really start to surface.  so, we'll see.  if by October 2012 things are much better & i'm happy most of the time.... then i will live my life with X because that's what you do when you're happy with you're relationship.  ^.^   if i'm still unhappy 50% of the time or so by the same time, then i'm going to go my own way, & find the woman of my dreams.


i'm so very sleepy today.  i want to go home & sleep until it's time to get up for work again.... & that's what i'm going to do.  =)