I realized this morning that as long as I am with X, my life will always involve drugs. When I got with him, I told him I did not want that in my life. Since buzzes are his vice & he's captain asshole on alcohol 95% of the time, he asked if he could indulge in pills once & a while. To me, once & a while is once every 3-4 months. To him, it's a few times a month. Pills. Pills. Pills. Every day it comes up in conversation. Comments about partying. How drugs are awesome. This. That. Today he was talking to his brother-in-law about the pills he gets & maybe getting back into some ways of his old life. At that moment, I just got so sad. Realized that I would never have a life w/o drugs as long as I'm with him.
I've been feeling very frustrated with him the last week & many times I keep thinking I'm done with him. I'm getting tired of his mannerisms. He's aggravating me all the time lately. I'm happy about 40% of the time in my relationship with X. I'm tired of it. I am, however, still trying to hold on to the hope that when we move away from here most of our stresses will vanish & maybe things will improve. We shall see.