Thursday, October 20, 2011

Some Things You Should Know.....

Some of my posts on here - well, quite a bit for a while actually - will be the ups & downs of my current relationship.  good days...things that made me happy.  bad days... things that annoyed me.  why?  because i'm trying to get a clear picture of how my relationship is going.  we're both under a good bit of stress at the moment & i'm trying to take that into consideration.  Sometimes... we're SO happy.  other times... i can't stand him, & by the time we're halfway finished with our spat it's my fault.  (or so he would have me think.)  i'm not saying i'm never at fault... but every time?  it can't be just me... if so, why is he with me?  so... i need to keep a log of when we have good days & why.  when we have bad days & what happened.  maybe it is me.  if so, i need to work on it.  maybe it's him.  i don't know.  i feel that he manipulates me when we fight & turns my thoughts around.  my memory isn't the best these days.  i'm 35 years old & i've lost 2 very important people in my life.  since they both passed away i've not been myself.  i've been depressed, had a lot of weight gain, sleep problems & my memory is very foggy.  i would love to go to the doctor & get on antidepressants, however, like most jobs in the "great USofA", *rolls eyes* mine does not provide insurance.  & the minor duckets i earn don't allow me to purchase insurance on my own.

anyway... enough of this...  =)

Isi*


*Isadora isn't my real name...but you can call me Isi  xD

Friday, July 1, 2011

Disheartened.

I realized this morning that as long as I am with X, my life will always involve drugs.  When I got with him, I told him I did not want that in my life.  Since buzzes are his vice & he's captain asshole on alcohol 95% of the time, he asked if he could indulge in pills once & a while.  To me, once & a while is once every 3-4 months.  To him, it's a few times a month.  Pills.  Pills.  Pills.  Every day it comes up in conversation.  Comments about partying.  How drugs are awesome.  This.  That.  Today he was talking to his brother-in-law about the pills he gets & maybe getting back into some ways of his old life.  At that moment, I just got so sad.  Realized that I would never have a life w/o drugs as long as I'm with him. 

I've been feeling very frustrated with him the last week & many times I keep thinking I'm done with him.   I'm getting tired of his mannerisms.  He's aggravating me all the time lately.  I'm happy about 40% of the time in my relationship with X.  I'm tired of it.  I am, however, still trying to hold on to the hope that when we move away from here most of our stresses will vanish & maybe things will improve.  We shall see. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Mom

I had another dream about mom again.  Those dreams don't bother me.  I like them... I get to see her again when I dream of her.  I don't like, however, that towards the end of the dream she's always shown as something that resembles death.  I know it's my mind missing her since she passed away.  Saying, "hey... she's gone."  i know that.  -_-    But I get to see her walking around & being with me.  It's nice.  Today, however, the dream really bothered me.  It was the first dream where we didn't talk.  We communicated, but she didn't speak.  It was like I KNEW what she was "saying".  But she never spoke.  After I woke up I was so sad for hours.  Cried a lot.  I was so sad b/c I just realized I don't really remember mom's voice.  I remember her saying one sentence.  That's it.  When I'd call up to her job to talk to her, she'd answer the phone, "Emergency, Brenda speaking."  I can hear her clear as day saying that.  But that's it.  That's all I remember of her voice.  It makes me so sad.  I miss her so much.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Big Baby.

We were both playing Rift.  He died because his computer lagged.  He got so pissed off.  He went out to smoke.  Came back in & logged out.  "Can't handle it" he said.    Really?  O.o

Thursday, June 16, 2011

My Fair Ladies... Part 2

Well, as I said at the bottom of my My Fair Ladies... post... here are pics of Bron & Kur in Rift.  ^.^
Here is Bron.  I like her dress.

As promised... Kur & her faithful companion Claudius.

The latest Flutter photo op.  xD

Happy Days Were Here Again....

I haven't posted in a while because we've been happy.  Been playing Rift.  Yes, we've had our annoyances every few days, but nothing to write about.  Over all, pretty happy.  Until a few days ago.  A bunch of stuff happened... Here is the SHORT version

In one of my first posts & told you that X & I are going to move back to where he's from.  Well, since we've been happy I asked dad for some help b/c we didn't want to separate for the 3 months that we'd have to b/c of my lease.  We decided to try to bail on the lease & see what happens.  He said yes.  Then a few days later, he changed his mind b/c he doesn't like how X "doesn't want to work".  He called X a fat, lazy bastard that doesn't want to work."  X now can't stand my dad.  Not that I can blame him.  If X's mom said the same thing to me & X is ok with me not working at the moment... I'd get pissed off too.    X has a pretty good work ethic... or so i think.  i'm not 100% sure b/c when he first got here I promised him he could take 2-3 months off work to go through withdrawls.  It's a bitch to have to work & go through withdrawls when quitting cold turkey.  Anyway, so, now we're back to the origional thing of him moving back w/o me & I follow in October when my lease is up.  So, this started the drama again over the last few days.  Since then... I've wondered if our relationship will survive.   Here are some of the annoyances that have gotten under my skin lately:

He's a fucking baby sometimes.  Pout all damn day over the game (Rift).   He lost a chest piece that he couldn't even wear yet (toon too low lvl) to a guildie & that pissed him off to the point that he bitched & griped for so long.... it got to the point I looked at him & wondered WTF I saw in him.  

earlier this week he spent $60 on pills.  i was ok with it b/c we were getting the help from dad.... then the next day dad said nope.  so, whatever... i agreed when we had the extra money.  then the next day he spent $15 on more.  i was ok with that b/c i was getting us alcohol.  i much prefer him on pills than whiskey.   so, i was ok with that.  He hadn't gone to work with me because we were supposed to move together for those few days.  Then after dad pulled the rug out from under us, I told him I wanted him to come with me again until he moved.  He said he needed pills to stay up so he could turn around.  I asked why he didn't just take some benadryl & sleep more so he'd be up that night.  Didn't want to.  Of course... we have to indulge the vice.  -_-    I told him we spent $75 already this week on them.  I didn't want to spend any more money on that b/c we have a bus or plane ticket to buy & we're pretty broke.  He said, "well, then I won't be going with you. I'll just stay on 1st shift.  It's better anyway b/c when i get to work up there I'll be on 1st shift anyway.  We'll have the phone."  Do you know how pissed off I was???  Well, I am really trying to keep in mind all the stress & bullshit we have going on.  Breathe ... Just Breathe....   So, becuase I'm going to miss him I agreed.   I told him he could have $20.  With the $5 he had he could get enough.  Well, the guy raised the price of the pills.  With his tolerance $25 wasn't enough.  I was annoyed.  I should have just said nevermind & let him stay home.  But, b/c I wanted him with me I gave him $40.  So, he had $45 to spend on pills.  What does he do????   He gets them today.  Takes HALF OF THEM today...  now, he has 4 left & that isn't enough to keep him up all night w/o being exhausted b/c of how he slept last night.  

REALLY?????        R E A L L Y?!?!?!?!?!?!?!       WTF?!?!?!?!?!


For the first time, I actually thought "I don't think we're going to make it."  Which made me pretty sad.  I wondered if I should even move.  If I should just cut my losses after he moves away.  I have to go with him b/c I can't stay here.  I can't live near my dad & step-mom.  They both drive me crazy.  I don't know where else I'd go but with  X b/c of my current situation (no education, no real life skills as far as jobs go....).  So, I've decided to move where he will be.  I will get my ass in a community college for a year course in something that will allow me to make better money that I'm making now.  The difference is... I'm going to put my foot down there.  We will be away from all the bullshit that's been making our lives hell.  If I'm unhappy he'd better straighten up.  If he doesn't.... I won't stay.  

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Good Times

Since my last post X & i have become Riftjunkies.  :D  it's awesome.  & we've been happy.  nothing stupid has happened from either him or me.  xD